My Breast Part III

Friday, I have surgery for breast cancer. My surgeon is taking out two lumps and part of my sentinel lymph node.

When I think about what my biggest fear is, it is not the fear of losing a battle to cancer. I know I am a survivor and I have more life to live.

What I fear the most, right now, is pain after surgery. My breast is still hurting after three weeks of healing from the last biopsy, so I can only imagine what it will feel like when my doctor takes chunk’s, my doctors word choice, out of my breast. And I am concerned about how I will feel when I see my post surgery breast.  No more matched set.

For some reason, maybe because of my diagnosis, I have been having lots of thoughts about aging lately as well. I realize now that everything is different. I don’t like the wrinkles I see on my face or the loose skin and dark spots on my body. I see the image I have of myself changing dramatically. I try to take in that notion of aging gracefully, and sometimes I can, but mostly, lately, I feel tired and worn out.

Recognizing my fears and my feelings, I also know the truth; I have a choice in how I approach this life experience, cancer, pain… and aging.

In my work, I talk a lot about choices. There are so many good choices that we can make to create a path that enhances our lives. We can choose good people, experiences, lifestyle, education, and careers. And we can choose to make money and act responsibly. We can also choose to be good role models to others as well as kind, generous, loving, and compassionate… We don’t choose cancer, pain, or aging.

In my younger years, I didn’t know how to make choices to make my life different. Somehow, I got a message early on that we do not have choices to change our life once we realize it’s not what we really had planned. Instead, I understood that I just needed to make the best of it.  Looking back, I realize how powerless I felt.

After years of feeling powerless, I finally made some choices that changed my life. They were baby step choices at first but they made a big difference. This ignited a feeling of empowerment in me. And from that place my life started changing in ways that I had never thought possible.

I don’t believe in luck. I believe that when we make good choices miracles happen.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason. Right now, it doesn’t feel like I have many choices regarding pain, cancer, and aging, but the truth is…. I do have a choice in how I treat the cancer, move through the pain, and embrace aging.  I believe that all of the choices I have made in this life got me here… this very place. And this, like everything else, is an opportunity for something greater.

I am in charge of creating my experience.

Laura

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