My Breast… Final Post!

My breast felt like it was on fire. I felt drugged and itchy all over. The nurse wheeled me out of the first recovery room, a place they put you right after surgery, into another recovery room that I would stay in for several hours before I went home.

I told the attending nurse that I was in pain and I felt itchy. She said the itch was because of the fentanyl they gave me when I woke up. She put an ice bag on my breast but never looked under my hospital gown to see my wound.  Her movements where fast… her attitude was irritated.  She said she’d give me some demerol and proceeded to inject it into my IV.

Now I was totally doped up and still experiencing severe pain.  I felt like my worst fear was coming true… the pain.

Over the years, I have learned to articulate what I need and ask for it.  I wasn’t feeling like this nurse was hearing me. I remembered that before surgery, the intake nurse, suggested that I don’t hesitate to ask for what I need while in the recovery room. She said no one would send me home until the pain was manageable.

Stating my truth about the pain was not motivated by the idea of getting stoned out of my mind. I actually have never liked the feeling I get when on narcotics. All I wanted was something to take away the burning feeling. And because my nature is to believe in solutions to every problem, I wasn’t about to settle on pain.

I asked the nurse if it would make more sense to give me the drug that I was going home with rather than the drugs she was giving me that weren’t working, and I wasn’t going to take with me later anyway? She looked at me with consistent irritation and gave me two pills.

Thank goodness, soon after, Sheri, the relief nurse came on shift, and “Nurse Ratched” went off shift!

Sheri explained to me that my body was in shock, and she promised that she would not send me home until the pain was manageable. She gave me small doses of fentanyl in the IV… very slowly. She was kind, present, and very attentive.

Finally the pain subsided and I felt pleasantly buzzed instead of drugged out of my mind.

I went home at 5:00 with very little pain, and a nice glow. I was able to sleep all night.

The next day, I took the pain meds as directed, and by Sunday morning Advil was sufficient. My fear of not being able to handle the pain did not come true.

I have three separate wounds where they took out the two lumps and the lymph node. I do not have a matched pair now, but nothing I can’t live with.  My doctor did a great job in making it ascetically … not so bad. My fear of disfigurement did not come true.

The surgery was on Friday and my follow up appointment was the next Thurs. That was hard. The fear of having more cancer was stressful. My vision for my life does not include more time  fighting cancer.  I visualized my doctors words over and over in my head, “We got all the cancer”.

When she came into the examining room she was chanting “Good news”. I felt an immediate lightness that was so profound it took my breath away. Then my doctor said, “We got all the cancer”. I cried with joy!

My next step is radiation, which I will find out what my options, regarding how long the treatment is, on Friday the 15^th.  But the worst is over, no more cancer news.

My life will move forward and my intention is to keep the lightness in my body forever. I have learned another level of letting go. My body will heal and be better because of this experience.

Now I can focus on what I love.

Laura

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